Wednesday, July 10, 2013

An Open Letter to redacted, Operations Manager for redacted

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter to plead the case for an endangered species that dwells within your purview. The pierrarbre beetle needs your help. Indeed, without your support the continued existence of this rare bug is unlikely to last much beyond the next seventeen centuries. It is in your capacity as Operations Manager for redacted, that I am writing to you. As the Operations Manager for redacted your influence over the decisions that are made concerning the handling of its habitat could be life altering for the pierrarbre beetle.

As a government employee you are able to affect change. Indeed, I expect that with a simple phone call you could likely save this rare bug.  And so, I ask you sir, as one nature lover to another (I too am an outdoorsman and an avid bugotologist with a Bachelor of Ecology in Dirt and Bugotology from Bill and Lorrie A. College), to afford this plea the weight it deserves. The consequences for not doing so would be devastating and I expect you will agree that the trade off for doing so will have very little effect in the “grand scheme of things”.
orphaned pierrabre beetle

What you’ll need to do is raze the forests of the redacted.  The problem for the pierrarbre beetle is twofold.   Firstly, the sharp points of pine needles are a constant hazard for this magnificent creature. Indeed, three, or sometimes even as many as four of these beetles are discovered dead from an infection due to “pine needle poke”, as it is known in the industry, every three decades. As you well know, the pierrarbre beetle lives the bulk of its life underground, in a similar fashion to the cicada, spending upwards of thirty years below the terra, coming above ground for six and a half minutes and then dying.  In fact, the pierrarbre beetle is often mistaken for a cicada. But the differences are actually quite drastic.  Cicadas are annoying and noisy while pierrarbre beetles are elegant, rare bugs. And here I should pause to give credit as due, so as not to be sued, again, for "allegedly" making claims about my part in the discovery of the distinction between these two bugs.  Casteelos Gabrielle, the renowned Chilean bugotologist and cueca dancer is responsible for that breakthrough.  In its entirety.  As I am legally obligated to point out.  Upon threat of reprisal.

victims of pine needle poke

The second, and perhaps more devastating problem for the pierrarbre beetle comes at the hands, or should I say branches, of deciduous trees. While conifers bring the near certainty of death on the ground for 0.0000000000000000865% of all pierrarbre beetles over a three decade span, deciduous trees are decidedly more problematic and the real reason behind the need to clear-cut the forest.  Were it just a problem of “pine needle poke” I would simply insist that you clean up all your pine needles.  A thousand ShopVacs® and a reinstatement of the Ontario Junior Ranger program would solve that.

However, it is the so-called hardwoods that cause the real problem for the pierrarbre beetle. Sir, I am sure you are familiar with the philosophical quandary involving a tree, a forest, the toppling of said tree and an absence of humans to measure the sound of such toppling. I can assure you sir, that there is indeed a sound. It is the peals of agony emanating from the tiny throats of pierrarbre beetles being crushed by such trees. Or, more precisely, the surviving families of such tragedies. You see, in such incidents, the crushing is usually too quick for the pierrarbre beetle beneath the falling tree to get out more than a quick, "Tell my wife I love her", before it is over. But for the survivors who must go on alone, some for as much as their entire six and a half minute supraterranean lives, the devastation has only just begun.

shine a spotlight on the pierrabre beetle's plight
 And this is where the math becomes critical. Pierrarbre beetles are being crushed at an alarming rate. If my calculations are correct (and they are - I used a calculator) then we could see the entire population of pierrarbre beetles wiped out in your great great great grandchildren's great great great grandchildren's great great great grandchildren's great great great grandchildren's time. I think we can both agree that's not great. Think about the children.

Sir, I'm sure, given the evidence, you will see your way clear to addressing this issue immediately. As the pierrarbre beetles are scheduled for their next rise to the top in 2043 there is no time to waste. A burning might be the quickest way to deal with the abundance of trees in your forest or perhaps introducing more beavers to that particular area of landscape; I'll leave that to your expertise.

I'd like to thank you for your time and consideration in this matter. I know that by working together we can be stewards for this great great world of ours.

Yours in ecology,

redacted, B.E.D. Bug.

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