Thursday, December 20, 2012

Tournament of Lies

This super rare bug, the Odontolabis cuvera fallaciosus, or so-called Stag "Beetle", is native to Asia but is available on eBay for $2.65 USD plus $14.00 shipping.  As rare bugs go, this one is up there, with only about one thousand different species in the family Lucanidae to which it belongs.  It can be identified by the large mandibles, which this beetle uses for fighting foes, impressing lady beetles, intimidating bison and removing both beer bottle caps and splinters.

This bug is also often referred to as the Apocalypse Bug for its role in the end of the world.  The name, Odontolabis cuvera fallaciosus, given to it by the ancient Mayans is an anagram for foi, o cold evil sun rats, o USA cabal.  The Mayans, long known for their spot on predictions could clearly see the impending doom looming on our horizon and so gamely passed a message to us in the future.  I'm not certain why they didn't just write it down somewhere but I must admit that the bug messenger is indeed quite clever.

The hidden message reveals that these masterful prognosticators not only wanted to pass a warning along, but also that they predicted the prevalence of acronyms as a legitimate method of communication.  The foi is clearly a reference to Freedom of Information, a lack of which clearly has a part to play in our demise.  The cold, evil sun rats is obvious and therefore requires no explanation.  And of course there is the reference to the USA cabal.  The group in question could be anyone plotting to trigger end times: the Republicans, the ultra-rich, the cast of Baywatch (but not Hasselhoff; he's touring and would never (willingly) trigger an Anocalypse).  The dropping of the "h" on the word oh in both instances of use is further proof of the Mayans deep understanding of the future, or, as we call it, the now.  The Mayans understood that the youth of today would reduce cumbersome two letter words to single characters, thus providing their "text" messages back and forth to each other a previously unavailable brevity, depth of meaning and flexibility of interpretation not available via mediums like letter writing and talking.

So then, what does this beetle really tell us?  Well, in combination with the Mayan long count calendar, it tells us much.  We know that the "world" will end December 21, 2012.  This is irrefutable.  Unless it doesn't.  Then it is completely futable.  But the Mayans laid down the gauntlet; now it is time for mankind to step up and make the Mayans proud.  We've been doing our level best to try to make it happen for some time now: there is pollution, overpopulation, starvation.  I have faith that, with a push from the USA cabal we can make this happen.  If it comes to it, the beetle has its marching orders too for instigating our last waltz.

So then, what to do with your last moments on this planet.  May I suggest:
  • skydiving - 'cause what do you have to lose, right?
  • peyote - it was good enough for the Mayans
  • take a nap - if the world ends while you're sleeping you won't have to fret about it and if it doesn't, hey, you squeezed in a nap - awesome!
And what are the signs that the end is nigh?  That's right.  It starts with an earthquake.  And, by the way, if you are reading this post and it is no longer December 21, 2012, congratulations, you survived the Zombie Apocalypse.  I sure hope you didn't do anything rash while you were off work burning your Apocalypse Days.  If so you're going to have to wait until you accrue new ones or you're going to end up working through the next apocalypse, which I think we can all agree, would suck.

No comments:

Post a Comment