Thursday, October 11, 2012

Rogue Araneae

Speaking of the great flip flop in the sky, is there anyone who doesn't shudder uncontrollably at the thought of a Dock Spider?  I mean really, when you're that big and hairy you can get your own beer.  Seriously, they're over there in the red cooler.  Grab me one too, would you?

From an entomological perspective there is much to be creeped out by when it comes to Dock Spiders. Consider:

  1. big
  2. hairy
They're also stealthy.  Oh, and you can't kill them either.  There's that.

Now consider the following scenario.  A Dock Spider has been transported via four wheeled, Chrysler® branded people mover from a lonely desolate lake.  OK, yeah, its the same lake as before.  Same cottage too.  What, you think as a bugologist I'm rolling in dough and travelling to far off exotic places?  So anyway, the hitchhiker has moved from the Near North to the much sunnier climes of Southwestern Ontario.  From there it was a short flight on Porter Air® (truly Flying Refined®) followed by a steamship and two train rides.  There was the wrong turn in Albuquerque but that's a tale for another day.  Eventually said spider found his way to the Sahara.  A far cry from the little lake named for a long-tailed, semi-aquatic rodent where he grew up.  Oh, and while on the steamship he was exposed to hydrogen fuel cells.  Great for reducing the carbon footprint of your Honda® Fit, but terrible if you are an errant Dock Spider.  The combination of the hydrogen energy, the fiery Sahara sun and some bad figs led to the scene below.

 That's right, what once was merely a terrifying, immortal bug the size of a Frisbee® had now morphed into a creature that could only be stopped by the all-powerful and puzzlingly Southeast Asia-centric Godzilla®.  I mean really, there must be other places to throw down, right?  Give the Japanese a break.  I mean, its great that you defend them from Mothra® and Rodan®, but can't you find a big, empty space to do battle?  Does it really always have to be in downtown Tokyo?  You do know its your fault loft space is so expensive there, right?

Sorry, I get passionate when it comes to the big lizard.  The reptiles get all the glory.  Nonetheless, the image you are seeing is a satellite photo of the spider resting on the remains of the once fine city of Khartoum.  The yellow dot, right in the centre of the beast's head is the sighting laser for the nuclear armed strike drones that were sent to obliterate the creature.  The news out of that area of the world is always sketchy at best and whenever governments are involved one must take pause and consider the information, but word is that the spider lives no more.  However, there is no body.  The government claims that the remains were "dumped into the ocean, to avoid creating a rallying point for other monstrous bugs" but I have a feeling we may not have seen the last of GISPIDERTOR®.  See how I did that?  I took the "ant" out of Gigantor® and replaced it with "spider".  Because he's a spider, not an ant.  And he's giant.

*** use of the name GISPIDERTOR® without the express written consent of the author is strictly prohibited.***

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